August 4, 2011


As I sit here and look at my son, I see such a happy little fellow and wonder what the hell is my problem?  Why can't I be freaking happy?  What is making me depressed on and off so much.  I can't help but see what I missed out on when I look at my son.  You know, being able to give him what I missed has helped me feel fulfilled. 

My family isn't a "touchy feely" group of people, i.e. they don't hug, they just talk and buy you stuff.  So when I started going to church, everyone creeped me out because they hugged me so much; however, I needed that love. 

God has revealed some hard things to me, and honestly, I am having trouble coping with reality.  Perhaps that is why I listen to music so much, so I can just drift off to some reality where I am in control and everyone can be happy or sad if I want them to be.

While my grandma was in Florida, she was talking to my sister about my mother and how she would joke around with grandpa about my mother being switched at the hospital.  My sister didn't think this was funny and neither did I.  Honestly, what did she think when she mentioned this?

In all honesty, my sister did tell her off, and she deserved it.  Just because your old, dosn't mean you get away with being a cruel person. 

But you know what?  I couldn't help but think if she hated my mom so much, then what does she think about my sister and I?  If she dosn't love my mom, how can she love MY mother's children? 

And this is what is bothering me and causing me to lash out at other people.  This is also the reason why I have a hard time even picking up the phone to attempt to call my grandma.  Which I haven't done but once.

Can't handle the stress of dealing with her, so I am just going to act as if she isn't there.  Atleast I have Myra and Mom, the only people who understand what I go through, because they are in it too.

And do you know what playing favorite's with kids does to them?  It leads to the one that isn't favored, feeling as if they are NEVER good enough for ANYONE or ANYTHING.   It gives them an inferiority complex and it stays in their life until they have to fight it away for themselves.

Perhaps this is why I have always felt ignorant, not good enough for people, unvalued, and unlovable.  Perhaps. 

Can you blame me?  I am just trying to find an answer to my question at the beginning of this blog.

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